a sigh of relief.

Today I lost my “dream job” and I couldn’t be happier.

For two years I had a 5 year plan, to land a job at my dream law firm. From what I believed, it was the perfect job. When I got offered the job after only 2 years of working towards it, I immediately got hit by a wall of self doubt. It wasn’t until I had the position that I realized it wasn’t what I wanted at all. Knowing this, I also knew I’d be doing myself a huge disservice by turning it down after all the work and dreaming I put into getting here. I figured I could convince myself that it was all as perfect as I ever wanted it to be.

I was wrong. My heart knew before even walking through the doors on my first day that it was not even close to what I wanted. Regardless to my heart and by gut screaming “No, don’t do this.” I stuck with it.

Today, as I was laying on the couch, sick as a dog, looking at job listings that were so far from what I was currently doing, I got the call. My dream job was done with me.

In the past, when jobs haven’t worked out I’ve felt awful, self hatred, self doubt, anxiety, panic, you name it. While today, I of course feel anxiety and panic (because being unemployed is terrifying), I mainly felt relief.

This was exactly what I’ve known I’ve needed to get out of the toxic industry I work for and the real push for me to actively start working towards what I want. I have no idea what it is, but now I have no choice but to try to figure it out.

And to keep with the theme, three years in Vancouver, still falling frantically trying to navigate the concrete maze I live in. I’ll probably never land, but today, I feel more free than I have in three years.

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