Homesick for a Reality That’s No Longer Mine 

We all know this feeling, it’s like nostalgia but more overwhelming at times.

“Nothing changes if nothing changes” – Ed Panar

Almost a month ago, Seb and I packed up our lives and sent them to a couple different places. I have stuff in Ottawa, stuff here with me in PEI and stuff in Vancouver, I have so much stuff and no where to put it. Last night I stayed up late and looked through old photos. Photos from when Seb and I first moved in to our one bedroom, photos of my friends and I in Victoria and in the early Vancouver days.

I miss my friends and I miss my family, but I also know they haven’t gone anywhere and I can see them again soon. What I’m homesick for the most though is my apartment. An apartment that isn’t mine anymore, someone else lives there now. I’m not just homesick for the walls, and the way the sunlight danced throughout the entire space, I’m homesick for being there, listening to Foy Vance on vinyl with Seb. I’m homesick for having my routine in my safe space, with Seb, my friends and family.

Simply put, I’m homesick for a life that will never exist again. I can stay in Ottawa and have a home with Seb, or I can go to Vancouver and have a home with friends and family – but no matter where I go, I can’t have it all. I’m homesick for May. I’m homesick for June. I’m homesick for July. I’m homesick for when I had it all.

I suppose all I have left to do now, is create a life I will be homesick for the next time the tides change.

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